I am sorry
2003.10.25
My articles are deleted in "wisdom" board too, their action correspond to my anticipation, which i described in the article which they deleted, which i want it to be false. I won't spread my ideology in China any more. I lie on the bed in the quit for one hour in the evening, i sense Otto Weininger's commit suicide again, yes, my work have already been done, i have already find the truth, my ideology have already be matured, i only need to do something such as publish it as a book to make it can be find 100 years later, then i can die, as i have nothing to do now, i don't want to wait 100 years with my conscious in my brain, bear their laugh(i really can't bear this!!!), as i know that day will surely come, yes, if you can't make sure of it, you will struggle to alive and wait for that day, and at last it turned to be true, you are confirmed, then you blow off your last breath, died, but if you can make sure of it, just as Otto Weininger, would prefer to commit suicide, needn't wait for it to become true. But, i am lucky, when i think about commit suicide, two people appears in my mind when i review my life, icelotus, my girl, and Tang Hao, my best friend, after so many things happened in these days, i know who treat me best in this world now, i am alive, because their help, i can alive, because their love, i know how valuable their support on me is now, i have paste that article every where, only icelotus didn't delete it, i have acquaint with so many girls, only icelotus write comment when i said i was failed love, only icelotus replay the mail, which i say i may go mad, to me, although her words didn't said love to me, even just opposite, i can sense her love to me, it is her comment, her reply mail, make me alive. I find no one in the world understand me now, but Tang Hao come and tell me, he encourage me, you should try to spread your ideology abroad, there may be someone understand you, one day. Thank you, icelotus, Thank you, Tang Hao, my life is saved by you, i am alive for you, i will continue my work.

I have write two kinds of articles, English and Chinese articles, almost all Chinese articles are deleted, because they can read them, and English articles are left there, as they can't read them, so the truth won't disturb them, but my English articles are deleted in smth's philosophy board too, as they can read them. Shit, it may be better to write my articles in German, then they can saved in China.

It is most likely i will go abroad now. I want to stay in China indeed, spread my ideology from SiChuan university to everyone, which i absorbed from foreign, write more and more Chinese articles to explain my ideology, but they just delete my articles, they just ignore it, they just jeer at it, they won't understand it, they won't try to understand it, they said to me:"Don't dazzling here, don't brag here, be calmed, don't paste your articles every where". They announced:"The sea, accept every river", but when a dirty river comes really... I know what it means that i go abroad, i am bringing the Chinese traditional ideology to the western countries, which they desired for so many years but didn't managed to get it, they study Chinese language very hard, but it is still too hard for them to understand Chinese traditional ideology, now i come, they will read every article i write eagerly...I am sorry for it, but it is not my intention, you will only know you are wrong when it turned out to be wrong and things become too late to recover. I love China, I love Chinese, when i write down "The renaissance of Chinese ideology" and paste it on the foreign philosophy forum, i know everyone there is fearing me, "a boy get the ideology from Otto Weininger and Nietzsche and start to spread it in China, merge it with Chinese traditional ideology", i laugh at them:"China will become strongest again soon, i have got your ideology, i will bring it to China, but you can't get Chinese traditional ideology in the other side." Do you know how happy am i then? i decide to devote all my life to China, stay in SiChuan university, i need nothing but only write Chinese articles to explain my ideology, but all the Chinese articles i written down...I love China, most strongly than everyone of you, but, i love truth! i love truth most strongly than anything else. I am sorry. My throat have already begin plain, very plain, i know you don't trust this, but they trust me, everyone of they.

I will buy a German language studying book tomorrow.

I want to paste this article in these boards, but, when i begin, i remember that, i have accept the request of "wisdom" board master in his warning mail, ok, i won't disturb you. And the "philosophy" board, have blocked my paste article permission at the first day one minute after i paste my articles:"Your sound of truth is too aloud".